Narcissistic Abuse Series #5 - The Codependency Cycle
When we’re talking about narcissistic abuse, the focus is usually on the narc, but what about the people in their orbit? What is it that keeps people so attached and willing to live with such an unhealthy dynamic? Allow me to introduce a thing called codependency.
Before I dive into what codependency is, I want to make it very clear that if you are an abuse survivor, you are not to blame for your abuse. No amount of codependency in you makes it okay for someone to abuse or mistreat you.
That being said, understanding the role you play in the dynamics of your relationships is vital to recovering from narcissistic abuse and stopping any toxic relationship patterns you might be stuck in. So let’s jump in.
“Understanding the role you play in the dynamics of your relationships is vital to recovering from narcissistic abuse and stopping any toxic relationship patterns you might be stuck in.”
The Oxford English Dictionary defines codependency as “excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.” This definition is a great start, but I will add that codependency can exist in any kind of relationship, not just romantic. It can happen with parents, siblings, and friends, too.
Codependency can show up in a lot of different ways. Some experts make a distinction between domestic abuse and codependency, but the truth is, even in situations where coercive control is present, there is often something about the situation that fills a void in the victim. Codependency is one of the things that keep many narcissistic abuse victims close to their abuser.
People who struggle with codependency often step into the role of the “fixer,” the “helper,” or the “caretaker.” They’re the ones who try to keep the peace, smooth things over, and make sure everyone else is okay, even when they’re not okay themselves.
Codependency isn’t about weakness. It usually develops from being highly empathetic, sensitive, and responsible. Many codependent individuals learned early in life that love is earned through self-sacrifice, people-pleasing, or taking care of others. (There’s often family addiction of some kind, where the survivor learned to conform to the addict in order to survive.) So as adults, they continue those patterns without even realizing it.
“A healthy relationship will never require you to sacrifice your friends, your dream, or your dignity.”
⤇ Common Signs of Codependency
If you relate to several of these, you may be dealing with codependent patterns:
Feeling responsible for other people’s happiness, moods, or choices
Difficulty saying “no” or setting healthy boundaries
Guilt when putting yourself first
Feeling anxious when someone is upset with you
Putting others’ needs above your own, even when it hurts you
Trying to “fix,” rescue, or manage other people’s problems
Feeling empty, unappreciated, or taken for granted
Confusing being needed with being loved
These patterns often form gradually. You may not realize how much you’re carrying until you’re exhausted, resentful, or feeling like you’ve lost yourself.
⤇ Why Codependency Develops
Codependency isn’t a flaw. It’s a survival strategy that once made sense.
Many people develop codependent tendencies because:
They grew up in homes where they had to take care of others emotionally or physically
They learned to avoid conflict by being overly pleasing
They felt responsible for keeping the peace or managing the emotions of adults
They were praised for being “mature,” “helpful,” or “selfless”
They didn’t get consistent emotional support themselves
As kids, these patterns helped them stay safe, connected, or valued. As adults, those same patterns can become exhausting and unhealthy.
⤇ The Hidden Costs of Codependency
At first, codependency can look like loyalty, dedication, or love. But over time it often leads to:
Burnout
Resentment
One-sided relationships
Low self-esteem
Emotional exhaustion
Losing your sense of identity
Difficulty forming balanced relationships
When your worth becomes tied to how much you do for others, you can end up neglecting your own mental health and personal growth.
“The narcissist is like a bucket with a hole in the bottom: No matter how much you put in, you can never fill it up.”
Next in this blog series: How Therapy Helps You Heal
Whether you’ve already broken free from a narcissistic relationship or are just beginning to notice the painful patterns that have kept you stuck, healing often begins with awareness. You might be realizing that no matter how much you gave or how carefully you tried to avoid conflict, the narcissist’s reactions never changed—or you may be trying to make sense of the confusion and pain left behind after being discarded.
Wherever you find yourself in this process, know that you are not alone. Many have walked this same path and found their way to peace, clarity, and self-trust again. Working with a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse can help you process what you’ve been through, rebuild your confidence, and begin to create a life that feels safe and authentic.
If you’re ready to take the next step toward healing, reach out to Novus Psychotherapy & Counseling Center for support today. You deserve to feel whole, grounded, and free.