Narcissistic Abuse Series #4 - Traits & Struggles of Narcissistic Abuse Survivors
If you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, chances are you’re trying to pick up the pieces, make sense of what happened, and figure out who you even are.
I’ve been there. In my first marriage, I spent years taking everything on my shoulders yet never getting anything right. He’d even convinced me I was suicidal. Eventually I began to believe there was just something inherently wrong with me.
But now I know that was anything but the truth.
If you, too, have been made to believe that you’re just inherently wrong, remember that they chose you, whether that’s as a friend or a romantic partner. That means there is something about you they’re drawn to.
So what are some traits common to people who have experienced narcissistic abuse?
▶ Deep Empathy
Survivors have a high capacity for compassion, and they can easily sense others’ emotions. They have an innate desire to help and understand. They genuinely want people to do better, grow, and heal, and if they can help, they will.
How it’s exploited: The narcissist plays the victim or uses guilt to manipulate kindness, turning empathy into a tool for control.
Example: When Bree tells her partner, “It hurt my feelings when you canceled our plans,” he replies, “I can’t believe you’d say that after everything I do for you. You know how stressed I am. I can never do anything right.” Bree immediately feels bad and comforts him instead of holding her boundary. Her empathy is turned into guilt, and he uses it to avoid responsibility and regain control.
“Just because someone desires you does not mean that they value you.”
▶ Loyalty and Commitment
Survivors are usually devoted, reliable, and forgiving. They value relationships deeply and try to make things work, even when it’s hard.
How it’s exploited: Narcissists exploit this loyalty to keep the victim hooked, knowing they’ll stay and keep trying to “fix” the relationship.
Example: After yelling at her partner, the narcissist tells him, “You know I only get like that because I care so much. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t walk away over one mistake.” The partner feels pressured to forgive and forget. The narcissist uses the partner’s loyalty and commitment to excuse the abuse and avoid accountability.
▶ Optimism and Hopefulness
Many survivors are naturally hopeful and positive, believing that love, understanding, or patience can change things.
How it’s exploited: The narcissist manipulates this optimism by promising change or offering intermittent affection, keeping the victim stuck in the cycle.
Example: When their partner starts to pull away, the narcissist suddenly becomes sweet: “Don’t give up on us now. We’ve come so far.” The partner’s hope and positivity trap them in the same painful cycle once more.
▶ Self-Reflection and Willingness to Improve
Survivors tend to be introspective and open to feedback. They’re willing to examine their own behavior and grow from mistakes.
How it’s exploited: The narcissist twists this trait to make the victim question themselves constantly while the narcissist avoids accountability.
Example: The narcissist calls repeatedly while their partner is at work. The partner chooses not to answer because they are holding a healthy boundary. The narcissist is caught cheating, and their response is that they did it because their partner wasn’t there for them because they weren’t answering their phone. The partner immediately focuses on how they could have answered the calls but didn’t.
“Narcissists will destroy your life, erode your self-esteem, and do it with such stealth as to make you feel that you are the one that’s letting them down.”
▶ Generosity and Giving Nature
Survivors are often givers by nature, emotionally, physically, or even financially. They find meaning in nurturing and supporting others.
How it’s exploited: Narcissists take advantage of this generosity, draining their partner’s time, energy, and resources without reciprocation.
Example: The narcissist and his fiancée are planning their wedding. The narcissist tells the fiancée he cannot help financially because he’s paying travel expenses for his family to attend the wedding, so the fiancée empties her 401(k) account to pay for the wedding herself. The narcissist tells his family that his fiancée is a gold digger and that he has to pay for the wedding, so they pay for their own travel expenses.
▶ Forgiveness and Understanding
Survivors are quick to see the good in others, forgive mistakes, and give second chances.
How it’s exploited: The narcissist uses this forgiveness to reset the abuse cycle, knowing they’ll likely be forgiven again.
Example: In a fit of anger, the narcissist berates her and calls her degrading names. He apologizes the next day, saying, “I was just stressed and worried about __________. You know I didn’t mean it.” The victim’s forgiving nature leads her to let it go, and the abuse soon repeats.
▶ High Emotional Intelligence
Survivors often have strong emotional awareness and sensitivity to subtle shifts in others’ moods.
How it’s exploited: Narcissists rely on this to make the victim anticipate their needs and avoid conflict, keeping the abuser comfortable and in control.
Example: The narcissist comes home in a bad mood. Her partner immediately interprets her mood as his responsibility and worries that asking questions or expressing his own needs might upset her further. He cancels his plans and offers to help with her tasks, hoping to ease her tension. His sensitivity ensures she rarely has to confront her own behavior, and over time he becomes more emotionally enmeshed and exhausted.
▶ Perseverance and Strength
Survivors endure long periods of emotional hardship because they are strong, resilient, and deeply committed to love or growth.
How it’s exploited: Narcissists interpret endurance as tolerance and push boundaries further, knowing the victim won’t easily give up.
Example: During a dinner with friends, the narcissist makes a cutting remark about his partner’s appearance. She absorbs the shame silently, hoping he will change. Her endurance signals to the narcissist that he can keep criticizing without consequence.
▶ Desire for Connection and Harmony
They crave mutual understanding and emotional closeness, often seeking peace over conflict.
How it’s exploited: The narcissist weaponizes this by creating chaos, then rewarding compliance with brief moments of affection, deepening the trauma bond.
Example: After a heated argument, the narcissist ignores her friend for days. When her friend apologizes to restore the peace, the narcissist suddenly becomes affectionate and sweet, saying, “I missed you. I’m glad we’re okay.”
“Nobody can be kinder than the narcissist while you react to life on his terms.”
▶ Integrity and Authenticity
Survivors are often honest, sincere, and authentic. They mean what they say and expect the same in return.
How it’s exploited: Narcissists mirror these traits early on to gain trust, then use the victim’s authenticity against them through manipulation or betrayal.
Example: When meeting for the first time, she shares personal struggles in a moment of vulnerability. The narcissist responds with similar vulnerability, gaining her trust. Later, the narcissist uses this information to manipulate and guilt her, turning her honesty against her.
▶ High Capacity for Love
At their core, victims of narcissistic abuse have enormous hearts and a genuine ability to love deeply.
How it’s exploited: Narcissists feed off that love ˗ the admiration, attention, and devotion using it to reinforce their fragile ego.
Example: He notices when his partner is stressed or upset and goes out of his way to help, often putting his own needs aside. The narcissist feeds off his care and attentiveness, reinforcing her sense of superiority, while his generosity keeps him trapped in a one-sided emotional dynamic.
“A narcissist wants the authority of a king while having the accountability of a toddler.”
▶ Idealism
They often believe in true love, redemption, and the good in people. It is incredibly difficult to believe that someone could be mistreating them like this intentionally.
How it’s exploited: Narcissists present a false ideal at first, matching the victim’s dreams perfectly, then slowly dismantle it, keeping the victim chasing that early illusion.
Example: When they first meet, he showers her with attention, compliments, and shared visions of a perfect future. She believes she’s found “true love.” Over time, he becomes controlling and critical, even gaslighting and belittling her, but she clings to the memory of the early ideal, hoping the relationship can return to that perfection.
If you recognize yourself in these descriptions, you deserve to have these amazing traits cherished by those closest to you, not used against you for their benefit. You deserve to be treated with kindness, compassion, and mutuality. It’s okay to want better for yourself.
“You don’t attract narcissists because something is wrong with you. You attract narcissists because so much is right with you.”
Next in this blog series: The Codependency Cycle
Whether you’ve already broken free from a narcissistic relationship or are just beginning to notice the painful patterns that have kept you stuck, healing often begins with awareness. You might be realizing that no matter how much you gave or how carefully you tried to avoid conflict, the narcissist’s reactions never changed—or you may be trying to make sense of the confusion and pain left behind after being discarded.
Wherever you are in this process, know that you are not alone. Many have walked this same path and found their way to peace, clarity, and self-trust again. Working with a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse can help you process what you’ve been through, rebuild your confidence, and begin to create a life that feels safe and authentic.
If you’re ready to take the next step toward healing, reach out to Novus Psychotherapy & Counseling Center for support today. You deserve to feel whole, grounded, and free.