Narcissistic Abuse Series #7 - Flying Monkeys: What They Are and Why They Hurt So Much
In my previous post, I promised my next post would be about the Narcissistic Relationship Cycle, but I decided to write about Flying Monkeys instead because this topic feels especially relevant to many of my clients right now. If you were particularly looking forward to reading about the Narcissistic Relationship Cycle, I’m sorry for switching things around — I promise it’s still coming!
If you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, you may have heard the term “flying monkeys,” and if you haven’t, you’ve almost certainly felt the impact of them.
As a therapist, I’ve heard clients say things like:
“Why is everyone suddenly against me?”
“Why are people repeating things I never said?”
“Why do I feel like I’m being attacked for protecting myself?”
Flying monkeys are part of the answer.
What Are Flying Monkeys?
The term “flying monkeys” comes from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch sends others to do her bidding. In narcissistic abuse, flying monkeys are people the narcissistic individual recruits, consciously or unconsciously, to carry out their agenda.
These might be friends, family members, coworkers, or even professionals who:
Defend the narcissist or keep their secrets
Pressure you to “forgive,” “be the bigger person,” or “just move on”
Relay messages or information
Question your reality or minimize your experience
Criticize you for setting boundaries
Sometimes they know exactly what they’re doing. Other times (probably most of the time, in fact) they genuinely believe they’re helping.
Why Narcissists Use Flying Monkeys
Narcissistic individuals often struggle with accountability and cannot tolerate being seen as the problem. Flying monkeys allow them to:
Maintain control without direct confrontation
Protect their image
Shield harmful behaviors
Punish you for setting boundaries
Create confusion, doubt, and isolation
Instead of addressing conflict directly, they outsource it.
Why This Is So Painful
Flying monkeys hurt in a unique way because they are often people that you trusted. The betrayal can feel just as damaging — sometimes more damaging — than the original abuse.
Clients tell me:
“I feel crazy trying to explain myself.”
“No one wants to hear my side.”
“I’m being painted as the problem.”
It’s not uncommon to find out that the narcissist has been shaping a narrative with the flying monkeys for a long time. This narrative is often subtle and presented as a concern for the survivor or to create concern for the narcissist.
For example, when my ex-husband very suddenly ran off in the middle of the night with a teenager that he had groomed, I learned he had been telling friends that we had been fighting for a long time and we had agreed to separate for the sake of our children (none of which was true). The result was that the friends were willing to overlook the behaviors he was displaying in front of them, and they kept his secrets for him. He had been telling his family I was mentally unstable and that we were struggling because I was financially irresponsible (even though I was the one trying to stretch every penny). I discovered that his family was communicating with me in order to gather information for him.
All of this shaped a narrative that set me up for skepticism, criticism, and lack of support at a time when the very opposite was deeply needed. I was even offered “loving” advice to help me fix myself. This narrative meant that he didn’t receive the judgment, criticism, or accountability that friends and family would naturally otherwise have directed at him given how terrible his actions were, while also setting him up to receive empathy, compassion, and support because, after all, he was only trying to escape a difficult situation. To me, it felt like devastation and betrayal.
“You don’t have to convince everyone of the truth to live it.”
This narrative-shaping is not limited only to friends and family. It can happen with law enforcement, teachers, therapists, doctors — anyone in the picture whom the narcissist perceives as influential or beneficial to them in some way.
Experiencing flying monkeys can make you start to question just who you can trust and who really cares about you enough to ask you whether what they’ve been told or made to believe is true. This can result in you shrinking back and not seeking help and support at the time when you most need it, because you just don’t know who you can turn to. It can re-traumatize, reinforce self-doubt, and make healing feel impossible.
An Important Truth
Flying monkeys are not a sign that you’re wrong. They are a sign that your boundaries disrupted a dysfunctional system.
When you stop playing your assigned role — appeasing, explaining, fixing, staying quiet — the system reacts. Flying monkeys exist to pressure you back into place.
When I first began to learn about all the lies that had been told about me for so long and to so many people, I felt desperate to correct it all and set everyone straight. But more and more kept coming to light, and I was exhausting myself trying to explain the situation to everyone. I remember the pivotal moment when I realized I simply could not put out every fire that he had started, and I stopped trying. I still wanted to, but I knew I could never keep up with all the lies. This was a moment I started taking back my power.
Understanding this can be one of your most healing moments: You don’t have to convince everyone of the truth to live it.
If This Resonates With You
Flying monkeys can make you feel like you’re going crazy, but you’re not. You’re not weak, dramatic, or overreacting. You’re responding to a complex and emotionally destabilizing dynamic.
Healing doesn’t require winning the story. It requires choosing yourself, even when others don’t understand.
And you don’t have to figure that out alone.
Next in this blog series: The Narcissistic Relationship Cycle
Whether you’ve already broken free from a narcissistic relationship or are just beginning to notice the painful patterns that have kept you stuck, healing often begins with awareness. You might be realizing that no matter how much you gave or how carefully you tried to avoid conflict, the narcissist’s reactions never changed—or you may be trying to make sense of the confusion and pain left behind after being discarded.
Wherever you find yourself in this process, know that you are not alone. Many have walked this same path and found their way to peace, clarity, and self-trust again. Working with a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse can help you process what you’ve been through, rebuild your confidence, and begin to create a life that feels safe and authentic.
If you’re ready to take the next step toward healing, reach out to Novus Psychotherapy & Counseling Center for support today. You deserve to feel whole, grounded, and free.